Most days, I walk around with my phone in my hand. Often times, it's so I don't miss a moment to take a picture of Everett or a text from Aaron. But the problem is that it often just distracts me. I was laying in bed last night and felt convicted that it's too much, just like I was convicted back in January. I'm often mindlessly checking my email or instagram for the 15th time that day instead of watching Everett play with his cars. So, today I left my phone upstairs on my nightstand. I wanted to be present with him - to pay attention to the little things he was doing and saying and not worry if I caught it on camera. I didn't want to have that as an excuse to keep my phone around to distract me. There were moments that I wanted to capture but instead, I just enjoyed them. It made me think of that verse soon after Jesus was born and Mary's reaction to what the shepherds were saying. I don't think I fully understood it until this morning when I read the message version.
Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself. (Luke 2:19)
I've found that some days I'm missing these opportunities to hold on to, to treasure up, and to cherish. I'm missing them because I'm too busy trying to capture them for others. I'm missing them because I'm distracted by my phone. I'm missing them because I'm tired and pregnant. The thing is though--- I should be missing these moments less.
Don't get me wrong- I won't stop taking pictures or trying to document little moments throughout the day. But I don't ever want to look back after Everett is grown and see that I missed the chance to live in the moment with him, to say yes instead of hold on let me get this picture first. To ruin the moment when he puts his little hand on my shoulder watching tv or says (c)'mon mommy and reaches out his hand. So I'm going to try harder. I'm realizing that those moments don't have to be shared with everyone. That it's okay to save them for me. That it's okay to treasure them and not let anyone else have them. Because in 20 years, other people won't care about the little things that Everett and I did that one summer, but I will. And I want to remember those moments that pictures didn't capture. I want the memories of time spent with my son where I gave him my presence and all of it.
Everett - Here's to many more days like today. I love you and these moments endlessly.